52:39 & 40: Happy 1st Birthday, Gwen!!

So you made it to a year!! Your patents have successfully raised you, and kept you alive, for a FULL year! I am amazed at the things you can do! I also really feel like you were JUST born! I remember every detail of your birthday so clearly. It was the best day of our lives.
So Gwen, at 12 months:
You weigh 24 lbs, and you're in 18 month clothes.

You took 5 steps today walking toward mommy, all on your own!

You are still a mommys girl.

You're down to two nursings a day, first thing in the morning, and just before bedtime. It's been a surprisingly easy transition for both of us. Although you hate when I try to feed you milk from a sippy cup.

You know where your toes are, you clap, dance, and shake.

You've started pointing at pictures in books.

You are teething all. The. Time. You have your first bottom molar and are working on another.

You are a great sleeper!

You're still nursing right before bed and first thing in the morning.

We love you so much!

52:38 Loss of Motivation

Learn more about my project 52 here and check out styleberry BLOG for links to more Project 52s.

So ever since I moved to Dallas, I've lost my motivation to write. I feel like I've been busy, but at the same time, not.  Taking care of Gwen takes all my time, and then when she naps, I lay on the couch and relax, either watching TV or reading emails and blogs on my phone. Then after her morning nap, I usually take her out to a play date.  I've been forcing myself to go meet new people and it's been fun, but it's also exhausting...always trying to be my "best self"; asking all kinds of questions, talking about myself (ew), and being energetic and happy.  I'm still adjusting to my new place, and my house doesn't feel completely like home yet.  It's funny because I dread going to these play dates, but then once I'm there, I'm so happy to be out of the house.  Then when it's time to go home, I am happy to go home, but then when I walk in the door, I want to leave again.  My best coping strategy to stress or sadness has always been to stay busy, and it's working, but the stress comes and goes.  It's just going to take time.

So writing- I need to keep writing and being creative. I know this will help me with my stress, too. I read something the other day about a study that stated that creative people live longer than non-creative types. It was something about exercising your brain, and keeping your mental muscle strong.  I guess my motivation to be creative isn't to live longer (which is good reason enough), but rather to just open my mind and challenge myself to THINK.  I'm sick of being in a fog, and watching TV, and just being tired all the time.  I'm vowing to "keep myself busy" and to write more, and to be creative...in writing, in Gwen's activities, and in everything. Gwen's first birthday party is coming up, and I'm excited to do stuff and make things!

It's so crazy my baby girl is going to be 1 year old!  She was just born yesterday! I've been reading and seeing all these other babies that started walking around 10 months, but I really don't think she's close.  They say some babies don't start walking until about 15 or 16 months, so I'm really not worried.  The thing I'm a little worried about is her speech- she's not imitating speech sounds, and I'm just a tiny bit nervous about that. I've been talking to her nonstop while she's awake (because of another article I read that said the more you talk to your child, the smarter preschooler they are- 2100 words an hour is the target- another exhausting task...I know, I'm making myself crazy, but I can't help it), and I've been making /b/ and /p/ sounds, but nothing.  She only wants to use /t,d,s,z/.  Oh, and she likes to just yell vowels.  She's also not doing a lot of variegated babbling, but mostly same-sound babbling.  I know she'll get there, but being a speech therapist, I'm super-sensitive about this stuff.

So that's another thing- I "started" a speech pathologist job on September 20th, but have yet to see any clients.  I have no caseload.I'm getting more and more worried about that, too because I'm not working just for fun- we kind of need the income. We are safe for the time being, but I'm giving it 3 months, and then I'll have to look for another position.  If I don't have at least 5 clients by December, I'll have to give it up.  I'm considering a school job, since its salary and consistent, and I know I'll definitely have a caseload.

So good news is that we're going to San Antonio...TOMORROW night!  We're going to experiment and try to drive through the night while Gwen sleeps. It'll be an adventure, for sure, and I'm excited to see how she does.  She's a little better at regulating her moods, and I know she'll cry, but she's easier to soothe now, and I'm not freaking out about her sleeping habits too much anymore (thank the Lord!).  She's been consistently taking a 1 hour and 15 min nap in the morning, and a 45 min nap in the afternoon.  Then she easily goes to sleep at 7 pm and wakes up anytime between 6 and 7am.  I'm happy with this schedule. I'm sure it'll change now that I've put it in writing.

As I type, she's waking up from her morning nap.  Gotta go to a play date at a park with a bunch of moms I don't know...wish me luck!

51:36 & 37 11 MONTHS OLD?

Gwen, HOW can you be 11 months old? It's baffling to me!
On September 8, 2012:
You weigh about 23 lbs and wear 12-18 month clothes.

You can stand, cruise, crawl fast, and walk while holding hands. Still pretty unsteady on your feet.

You love eating, and prefer home cooked finger foods to pre-packaged meals. You love chicken, avocado, cheese, turkey, and yogurt!

You started to give momma hugs and kisses, and you always hug and kiss your doll.

You love to hand things to us and smile brightly like you found the coolest thing on the planet and you're giving it to us (we always give it back to you)!

You continue to HATE diaper changes.

You love dancing with Daddy at bedtime now.

Mommy started weaning you, and you are down to 3 feedings a day. So far it's been a pleasant transition!

You understand some words like tut-toes, baby, and "can I have it?". I swear you say "mah" for more when you're eating sometimes.

You are so beautiful and are getting so much more social!

52:35 Teething and Job stuff

So I just found out today from my sister that my nephew is getting his 5 year molars in. Jeff remembered him bring uncomfortable in RI last time we all went. Great. Gwen is teething, and I thought I had until 2 years old, and then the misery would end. I liked that endpoint...I could see it, and I could handle it. But 5?!? I can't wait that long! I'm officially quitting. No more teething allowed. Im done with this whole mother thing.

Ok, kidding. But 5 years of my child being in pain? Yuck. I'm grateful to my sister for supplying me with this new endpoint.

So I am starting a new job at a clinic on September 20. It's a small clinic with a PT, OT, and an after school SLP. I'll be there Tuesdays and Thursdays. I'm really excited because they just opened in January and the owner seems really enthusiastic and smart. I love the idea that I'll be helping build this business. She already asked me for suggestions and ideas, and really wants her employees to have everything they need. I'm nervous because I want to impress, but I'm mostly excited. Hopefully I can build my caseload quickly.
That's all for today!

52:33 & 34 The move to Dallas

So we moved to Dallas on August 15, 2012. I haven't been able to blog lately because of obvious reasons...moving, unpacking, painting, trying to find a job, nanny, and mommy groups. It's been a busy busy time. Plus I have a baby, too. So that makes it much less stressful...yes.

My lovely mom is here visiting now, and I'm so happy she came. Her positive outlook on our new area is starting to rub off on me. I've had a bit of anxiety since we've moved, and went to a doctor to figure things out. After talking it out with my mom, I've decided to try some exercise and "mind over matter" tricks. I pray that I'll be strong enough to pull myself out of this...I know I'll be ok.

I went exercising today, and I already feel mentally stronger. I do believe I'm having some remnant post pardom hormone-y stuff going on, and that must be the reason for this anxiety. Obviously I have a lot of stressors in my life right now, but if I got over pdd before, I can do it again, I plan on joining Stroller Strides and going a few times a week- a good way to meet new mommies, too.

So I've already found a night babysitter for when Jeff and I want a night out. She's young, calm, sweet and smart! Perfect. "Check!" (You know why that's in quotes, right?)

I'm interviewing a daytime nanny tomorrow for Tuesdays and Thursdays. Hopefully it goes well.

I love making decisions when my mom is with me. Having her reassurance makes me so much more confident in my choices. :) Love you mom!

Oh, and we brought Gwen to the Dallas World Aquarium! So fun! She loved watching all the colorful fish! I also made sweet potato fries, rosemary chicken burgers, catfish with quinoa salad, and tonight we're having cheesy broccoli baked potatoes! I might have had some help making these...

52:32 Gwen is 10 months old!

Learn more about my project 52 here and check out styleberry BLOG for links to more Project 52s.

Gwen, you are now in the double digits!  On 8/8/12, you turned 10 months old!

Baby, at 10 months:
You weigh about 22 lbs and are tall for your age.

You LOVE yogurt, Cheerios, pcookies, puffs, green smoothies, and chicken...pretty much everything besides peas, actually.

You just learned how to feed yourself with your fingers two days ago, and I think it's the cutest thing ever!  You prefer Cheerios over anything on a spoon, and you've had a couples cookies, and nothing can take your attention away from those! It's the best watching you lick your whole hand and wrist trying so hard to put that Cheerio in your mouth!

You look at mommy and laugh when I laugh, like you "get the joke".

You're still breastfeeding about 5x per day, and it's the best way to calm you down if you're upset. 

You have about 5 1/2 teeth (2 on bottom, 3 1/2 on top) and this is starting to conflict with breastfeeding (yes, ouch).

You got your first haircut because the hair on your birthmark was growing faster than the rest, and someone said your "baby mullet" was cute.  It was cut that same day.

You want to eat whatever we're eating; you think you're a big girl.

You wave "bye bye", "hi", and sign "more" constantly while eating.

You have started variegated babbling: poowee, baawaa, beewee, etc.  Today you said in the car "diapo bwait".  Its adorable to hear you talk. 

You are standing a little on your own- about 3 seconds before you lunge forward onto whatever is closest- usually me.

You are taking two naps per day that range anywhere from 30 minutes to 1.5 hours- it's never consistent.

You laugh very easily now, and love it when we swat at bugs, chew on things, crawl around with you, pull things out of your hands, and play peekaboo.  Those things crack you up.

You are scared of big dogs, and I showed you a cat recently, and you freaked out screaming.  This makes mommy sad, since I love cats, and I was hoping you'd be on my side.

You are obsessed with dolls (with hard plastic limbs, not the soft ones), and you carry them all around the house with you!

You are happy and so so so sweet. 

52:31 Smoothies and Giblets

So, if you have been living under a rock and havent heard of 'green smoothies' yet, you might look at the picture here and think, "ew, gross. Is that one of those wheat germ protein shakes?" You would think that if you were living in the 2000's, actually. Well, welcome to the 2010's, friend! The era of the new and improved wheat-germ protein shake- THE GREEN SMOOTHIE. Much much much improved, in fact. If you google green smoothie, a million recipes pop up. But it's funny to me that there are recipes because it's basically fruit and veggies in a blender. Whatever sounds good to you, just dump it in and, boomtastic: you are now on the green smoothie train (just make sure to add something green, of course). ;)

All kidding aside, there's just something about feeding a food so simple and nutritious to your baby that makes me feel like a superhero. And I made it! Like in 20 years, she'll be a genius because she drank spinach as a 9 month old...I know, I'm delusional. Accept it.

So I know you're just dying to know what I put in my smoothie, right? Ok, so I'll tell you- a bag of frozen strawberries, peaches, and bananas (not organic. Whaaaaat?), Greek yogurt, water, a tiny bit of cranberry juice, and half a bag of spinach. It was soooo good. I'm hooked, and I've already daydreamed of making green smoothies everyday for breakfast from now on.

On the hot side, my new soulmate: the crockpot. It's my (other) secret to making dinner...me, who stays home with the baby and manages to get nothing done. Using a crockpot allows me to say to Jeff when he gets home, "I've been cooking all day!" We, wait no, I made ribs last week in the crockpot (who knew?) and they were so good, they fell off the bone trying to take them out. Another thing I've done is cook a whole chicken in it about once a week the past couple weeks. It's so easy, and it comes out awesome. The only problem with the whole chicken idea is the giblets. I just can't get those things...it's too gross, thank you. Jeff can take those out afterwards. Love you, babe!

And Gwen is back to 45 minute naps. So irritating.

52:29 & 30 Oh, late on my blog again.

Learn more about my project 52 here and check out styleberry BLOG for links to more Project 52s.

I'm bad. I sometimes lose motivation about this blog. Uh oh...I said it. These last 2 weeks have been stressful. I'm trying to find a part time job in Dallas, and I'm getting worried I won't find something that fits my needs perfectly. I want what I have here: a 2 day per week job that pays well. I don't want any more days, or any less. I know if I even try 3 days per week, I'll be so panicked about leaving Gwen. I know this because it already happened when she was a few months old.

I know I'll find something. I have a few good leads. I just have to keep looking.

On another note, Gwen is waking up at 6:30 instead of 7 now. Not a big deal? Is that what you're thinking? Well it is, because now her naps are back to 45 minutes long. The interval between wake up and her first nap is too long, resulting in a too short nap (sometimes 30 minutes)! Going to try putting her down for her first nap earlier today. I'll let you know how it goes....

Later this morning....
So I put her down at 8:45, and she cried a little. But then she fell asleep. She woke up after 30 minutes crying, but didn't stand and....went back to sleep!! Praise the lord! My baby is a total Weissbluth baby. It's like he wrote an instruction manual for her! Everything he says, works like magic!

Here are some silly pics. Gwen has so many toys, and instead lives to play with bathroom goodies. Not very 'sanitary'! ...Get it? I'm hilarious. Second is Gwen's first ponytail, courtesy of my friend Mehren.

52:28 Another Dallas Trip

Ok, so I'm late I this post! We came up to Dallas yesterday, and I was too busy on Friday getting ready to leave. No time to write.
Update: so our house sold! It was on the market a week before we got a offer...then another...then another! It was an emotional ride. Getting the first offer was fun. We were going back and forth, negotiating price and it was going ok. Then another off came in that was slightly better, but contingent. I started to feel bad for them, knowing they really wanted the house and were willing to risk a lot for it. Then the third offer came in; our neighbors told us they had met the on the street after they viewed our home, and they were so excited; they wanted to add in a pool, and they loved the house. It was a family with two boys. Their offer came in OVER asking price, but they wanted help with closing costs, and they had their own house to sell, too. Because Jeff's company was covering some of the loss, but no buyer closing costs, AND since the first offer was not contingent, we chose the first offer (our realtor was great at staying objective and advised us very wisely- thank god for realtors!!).
So now we're in Dallas looking at homes. We fell in love with Lantana right away. It's a community on a golf course, with 5 pools, it's own schools, daycare, tennis courts, etc. It felt like we were at a resort. Beautiful, but a little pricey. We also liked Flower Mound...
Today we look at Frisco, which is a little cheaper, with lower taxes. The houses are newer, but it's not a master planned community like Lantana. I'm hoping we can fall in love with a house in Fridco, as it's got a fantastic reputation. We'll see today! So far, it's been so fun!
Gwen has been ok, too. We flew up and she slept the whole 45 minute flight. Jean cane up with us to watch her while we go home shoppingShe's not taking naps easily, but that's ok. This morning she woke at 5:30, so now her schedule is off for the day. I'm a little more easy going this trip because I know she can sleep just fine in the pack n play, since she did so well in RI.
So I'm really enjoying Dallas this time. I'm amazed at what we might be able to afford, and the neighborhoods are gorgeous. I can picture my family up here. I think we can do it.

Gwen is 9 months old

Already 3/4 of a year old! The time flies.

At 9 months, you weigh 22 lbs, 11 oz, and ate 28 inches long.

You can sit, crawl, and pull up on everything!

You like all food except peas, and you're warming up to finger foods!

You have cut three more teeth on top for a total of 5 teeth.

You love to drink from an open cup and have not mastered sippy cups yet.

You are starting to play and hold up your tiny fist in a ball and grunt and smile.

You're learning to say 'more' in sign language!

You want mommy to hold you at all times.

You go to sleep pretty easily for naps and bedtime now. Although you will only go down for mommy or Nana.

Love you, my little pooks!

52:27 "Everything's a Phase"

Learn more about my project 52 here and check out styleberry BLOG for links to more Project 52s.

I put the title in quotes because my friend Mehren has said this, and I didn't want her to think I was stealing her thought. ;) Credit given.

It's a pretty strong idea, this "phase" theory. I wholeheartedly agree with it. It's a common thing, people saying, "oh, it's just a phase", but it's a loaded statement and means a lot to a mom with an infant. The "phase" can be anything, and last for any amount of time, even so, the phase idea brings me a lot of comfort.

Maybe it's because it makes be feel like I'm not doing something wrong, and whatever is happening with my baby, I can't fix it, because it's a phase; something she has decided to do.

So for example, when Gwen was screaming in the evenings from 4-6:30 pm and then again from 11-2:30, and so on, as a newborn, it was a phase, and we got through it. Although it was a phase that drove mommy to every baby book known to man, we did get through it. I would have done anything to solve what was bothering her. But it was a phase.

She once decided she'd rather roll around on the bed and laugh at mommy when we were having our nighttime nursing session, it was a phase. She said, this is fun, let's do this now. It was a phase, and now she lays calmly.

That's the thing- this is a little person I'm growing here. She has her own free will and her own thoughts and baby ideas on what should be happening in her life. Now, she doesn't want me to put her down and she only wants mommy. I call this her mommy phase and I'm loving it... Although it'll be nice when she gets past this because it's physically exhausting! that reminds me, I need to start working out.

So when she's screaming in her carseat for no apparent reason, I have to remind myself, this is a phase. There's nothing I can do anyway- she has to stay in her carseat in the car.
It's horrible to hear your baby cry though.

Peace out!

52:26 Vacation to RI

Gwen is about 8.5 months old and we flew to RI. The flight was hard- she fussed quite a bit, but she also napped while nursing and I think she did just fine for a baby her age. Jeff and I were exhausted from waking up at 3:30 (the flight was a 6 am-er), and wrestling with her on the plane, trying to keep her entertained, but we made it. Everyone around us was super nice and understanding.

Last night, the first night in RI, was a huge success. I tried to keep her on TX time and put her down at 8:30 instead of 7:30, and that worked well. I thought for sure she would wake multiple times in the night, but she slept the whole way through! What a (nice) surprise for mommy and daddy!

Then this morning she was extra fussy and very clingy to me (which I secretly love- the mommy phase is the best!) I thought for sure she would need to be nursed for naps the whole vacation. I put her down for her morning nap crying, just to see if she could get used to the idea of napping in the pack n' play. She fell asleep in 10 minutes!! She slept for a quick 30 minutes, but then her afternoon nap was even better. Cried for 5 seconds and then slept for 1 hour, 10 min (which is a very nice, long nap for her)!

I'm amazed at how smart she is! I never expected her to fall asleep on her own in a different place. I thought for sure she would work herself up and not be able to nap, like she did in Dallas a few weeks ago. But no, she's learned the routine, and nap means nap. I'm very proud of her. :)

Stay tuned for how the peanut does with her first time at the beach!

52:25 This Week Flew By!

Learn more about my project 52 here and check out styleberry BLOG for links to more Project 52s.

So Gwen is crawling, we all know that already, but now she's crawling FAST! I tried cleaning out the pantry today and every time I turned around she was somewhere else getting into something else she wasn't supposed to; oh, not the cord! oh oops, the broom! Wait, don't touch the fly swatter! Oh shoot, she fell over that box. Gwen, leave that grocery bag! Crap, I have to remember to hide the broom! Not the cord again!

I think it took me 8 hours...

But she's fun. Physically exhausting, but the most fun ever. I write so much on this blog about my concerns and how I wonder if things are going 'right'. But I also need to mention how amazing motherhood is, even when it's stressful. I try to remind myself every day that these times are fleeting, and someday she'll be grown up, and I'll miss having my baby cry for me when I take 3 steps away...and cuddling with her at bedtime and nursing her to sleep (like right now). No matter how much I want to slow time down though, time is time. It doesn't go fast or slow. But the saying 'time flies when you're having fun' is so true! Gwen, we have to stop having so much fun! ;) Well that'll never happen.

So we're listing the house next week before we leave for RI. This weekend will be full of yard work and fence painting for Jeff and organizing for me. The stager came by and made a long list of things for us to organize. Can't wait until we're done with all this.

52:24 Our Trip to Dallas

So this weekend we all drove to Dallas to visit Jeff's brother and family, and check out some areas since we may be moving up there soon. Jeff's company us relocating up there... We drove up on Friday morning and are coming back now, on Sunday.

I was so nervous Gwen was going to sleep terrible, keep us all up, and be miserable during the day; I was preparing myself for the worst. But everything was fine. The drives up and back were great, with naps and feedings timing out perfectly. She still doesn't eat many solids, so that helped a bit.

We got there, and things were good. She got tired out while playing with her cousins, Grace and Hazel, and we stuck to our bedtime routine: bath, pjs, music, nursing. She went to sleep around 7, and everything seemed fine until midnight. She woke up crying loud. I ended up having to nurse her for the rest of the night. She wouldn't fall asleep for 2 hours! Not sure why, but thinking it had to do with teething and the new surroundings. It'll be much easier when she can tell us what the heck is bothering her!

The next day was great! She spent the day with Nana, who had driven up with us. She took a nap on a walk in the stroller, and played with cousins. Jeff and I drove around some areas, trying to get a feel for the neighborhoods, since we might he moving up there soon. We got home in time for her next nap, when I nursed her to sleep. Then we, the adults, had Mai tais, and played in the pool with the kids.

The second night went awesome! She went down easily and slept the entire night! Totally beat!

Got home and now I'm nursing yet to sleep for the night. The trip was a success and I'm do happy things went well!

Happy 1st Father's Day, to my amazing husband! (He got a massage for his gift from Gwen)

52:23 Gwen is 8 months old today!

Learn more about my project 52 here and check out styleberry BLOG for links to more Project 52s.

Gwendolyn Mary, 6/8/2012 is your 8-month birthday!  I can't believe it's been 8 months since I saw your little face held up above the blue curtain in front of me in the OR...I remember being pregnant and worried that I wouldn't "connect" with you right away...so silly...I'll never forget that instant love I felt when I first saw you! There's nothing like it.

You weigh about 22 lbs, and still wearing 12-18-month clothes mostly...although you do fit into 24 month clothes, too! My healthy little meatball. 

You just started crawling well a few days ago, and you're now realizing you can explore! (you crawled into mommy and daddy's closet yesterday and had a good time playing with our shoes and making a big mess!) I need to upload video of your first time crawling.

You can pull up to kneeling, and just started pulling up to a stand yesterday in your crib, and now you want to pull up on everything! (Scary when it's a flimsy chair or stool that could topple on you)  You can also sit yourself up and sitting on your own very easily.
You now take two naps instead of three, each lasting about 1-1.5 hours (sometimes it's still 45 minutes, but those are getting fewer and fewer), and you usually go down easily without crying (for daddy, it's a different story). You continue to consistently sleep 12 hours at night (7pm-7am)!
You have a new favorite toy- Bobo- a stuffed white and grey dog, who goes with you to take naps every day. 
You still love bathtime, and have started to like stroller rides again.

You eat everything (although green beans gave you tummy problems)- you seem to love turkey with sweet potato and you LOVE bananas, apple-pear-banana mix, and plain yogurt!
You're in a "mommy phase" right now, where you want me close by at all times.  You have started to cry when I leave you with Nana (which I know is rubbish because you love Nana). Yesterday morning as I left you panicked and started crying as you crawled toward me...heartbreaking, but SO adorable.

You love making raspberries with your mouth, especially when you're being fed...I laugh out loud when you blow into your food and it goes all over your face, and you look so surprised every time.

You babble quite a bit, and sometimes say "mommom".  It melts my heart. 

We love you so much!  Every day is more fun because of you!

52: 22 A Morning In the Life of Gwen

Learn more about my project 52 here and check out styleberry BLOG for links to more Project 52s.
Hello, good morning to me! Waking up to the sound of your baby pooping is hilarious. Gwen has a bit of diarrhea, so this is how it sounded: gurgle gurgle, squirt...long pause...SQUIRT...splash, gurgle. Then she woke up...
Good morning slimey diaper! We're is everybody? I'm still tired...wiggle wiggle my bottom.

Hello, mama! Stop taking pictures and pick me up! Never put me down!

Hello, diaper changing place! I'm going to SCREAM AND SCREAM! I hate diaper changes in the morning!!

Hello mama and dada's bed...mmm... I love nursing with mama.

Hello bathroom! I like playing with these bottles that I shake shake shake until mama is done washing her face! Oooooh! Now mama has that buzzing thing in her mouth (toothbrush)! What's that all about? I don't know, but I want one really bad!

Hello, big room with large black rectangle! I love to watch that thing, but mama always turns it off!

Hello my fun play gym! I love the music and my toys!

Hello mama! Never stop holding me!

Hello, my other fun play gym!  I like this one because I get to stand, but I get tired fast.

Hello beautiful backyard! I love going outside!

Hello, Bobo, my soft doggie. You're my favorite. This means it's time for nap.

Hello, diaper changing table again.

Hello, Bedtime Peekaboo book. I like to see all the babies in this book.

Hold me mama, and hum to me. I like the lullaby song. It relaxes me, and I put my head on your shoulder. I still like the bathroom vent too. And I love you.

Hello crib. I don't mind being put down in here anymore. I know it's sleepy time.
:)

52:21 It's never easy!

Oh Gwen, we love you so much.  Thank goodness for that because this week, you've started a whole new slew of behaviors that are a challenge sometimes.  You now scream when we try to change your diaper in the morning.  No idea why...you just scream and kick your legs, and arch your back, like we're torturing you. It doesn't matter if it's mommy or daddy, or if we sing to you or not, or if we had to wake you up (because of work) or if you woke up by yourself...you just scream bloody murder while we change your diaper.  SO fun!

And at night, we now put you to bed 2 or 3 times.  The routine is always the same: bath at 6:00, cuddling in towel, music with massage, pj's, dancing with daddy, and a long nursing session that ends around 7:05, when daddy carries you to bed, and you peacefully lay down and go to sleep...until you wake up 5-10 minutes later, crying until we come get you.  Then you stay awake for the next 30 minutes to 1 hour, no matter what we do.  We rock, we hum, we jiggle, we I nurse, we shush.  You just look up at us the whole time.  You are beautiful to look at, but you won't go to sleep!

I have to admit, these are minor problems.  Things could be much worse.  You could be waking up in the middle of the night (which you did last night at 1:30 am, but quickly went back to sleep), you could have ear infections, you could be fighting mommy while breastfeeding, you could be having any number of issues that I've heard about from other moms...but you are doing just fine.  We love you just the way you are, and we'll continue to rock, shush, and jiggle you to sleep at night, and sing through your screams in the morning. 

I try to look at motherhood through the eyes of a grandmother sometimes.  I try to see what I would want to do different, if all this was behind me.  I think I do this because I know one day I'll look back and miss these moments, and I'll also wish I stopped stressing so much.  Motherhood is supposed to be fun!  And babies are only babies once...it's so fleeting, these moments. I try so hard not to be uptight, and most of the time it works...although I do still write out "instructions" to whoever watches her while I'm at work.  That's normal, right?  I wonder how I'll be with my next child. 

On another note, Gwen had her first swimming pool experience yesterday!  She wasn't sure at first, but after she floated in her "palm tree floatie", she liked it.  Well...as much as a baby really "likes" any thing: she didn't cry or fuss.  AND, we made sticky buns for breakfast yesterday.  So yum!  I consider this a successful Memorial Day weekend!

52:20 Cry it Out for naps...

So I caved. My mom came to visit last week, and she casually mentioned on one of our back road drives so Gwen could nap, that usually babies sleep in their cribs. I argued and explained that Gwen required a lengthy soothing period of holding, shhhhhing, and walking so she would fall asleep in your arms. And many times, she would wake up and scream as soon as you put her down. It was time consuming and exhausting. My back was killing me and my wrists were developing carpal tunnel.

One night after I put Gwen to sleep, she was crying. My mom suggested I let her settle herself down, and I argued. This was not normal for her to be crying. At night, she usually now goes down easily, falling asleep in her crib with no crying. I went in and held her until she fell asleep in my arms. Holding her and watching her sleep melts my heart.

Then on Sunday, my first Mothers day, after my mom had left, I decided to try 'check and console' for naps. It was horrible. She cried even harder when I would go to "console" her. She cried for 10 minutes each nap and I would go get her to nurse her to sleep.

I realized that day that Gwen had to learn to sleep in her crib. Being tied to her for naps while she nursed, holding her for 20 minutes, and going for car rides suddenly appeared crazy and unnatural. Plus it was getting harder to get her to fall asleep, and a babysitter might have to put her down one day. I decided on Monday we would try cry it out for naps...

The book Happy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child explained that full "extinction" was more effective than "check and console" and it produced less crying overall. I wanted my baby girl to learn desperately to fall asleep in her crib, and I knew she sometimes would scream in her carseat, and the next day she would be fine. She was smart. She learned that crying in her carseat caused no results- she could learn the same for her crib.

So the first day was hard. She cried for a full hour in her crib, and I went and got her. Then for her second nap, 20 minutes, and fell asleep!! I stayed in my room, with the door closed- reading, trying to distract myself.

We did sleep training for 3 days. It. was. hard. Listening to her cry made my body go into overdrive. I sweated, I cried, I shook inside. It overtook me. Her little voice sounded desperate and hurt. She needed me. I called my mom and friends and yelled, "why won't she stop crying?!?!" I tried to remind myself she was just protesting, and was not hurt. If she was playing with knives and I took them away and she cried, would I give them back to her? No. This was me helping her learn to fall asleep on her own.

It started getting better, when on Wednesday, she only cried for 10 minutes for both naps and then fell asleep. Until Thursday....oh Thursday. I went to work, but Jeff stayed home with her that day because his mom was sick. God must have known I couldn't have survived this. She cried for 60 minutes, 55 minutes, and 20. A huge set back. My willpower took a dive...this isn't working, I thought. I said I'd give her 2 weeks, but really? I was hoping it would be better after 3 days. I thought extinction was supposed to be effective!

Then on Friday, a miracle happened. I put her down for her morning nap (full of anxiety), and she cried for 30 seconds...and...fell asleep?!?! Second nap was even better- 5 seconds of crying and talked until she fell asleep.
I'm amazed. I knew it would work, but I had no idea it would go from 60 minutes to 30 seconds! I can't say I'm glad I let her cry it out, because I'm still regretting all the crying it produced. But I'm happy now. I now have some time to myself during the day! Thank you Marc Weisbluth and my mom!!

On another note, Jeff got his promotion, and it was more than we expected! And we made crockpot enchilada soup, and chicken stir fry this week. Very tasty!

52:19 Gwen you're 7 months old!

On May 8, you turned 7 months old! You are so much fun, and love to be around people!

You weigh about 21 lbs (wearing 12-18 month clothes!)

You can now sit up independently for a while, and can rock on your hands and knees a bit. You also enjoy doing the plank position.

You wear your sunglasses now, but refuse to smile while wearing them.

You have eaten these foods successfully: carrots, pears, peas, etc.

You now have your two bottom teeth!

You reach for, and put, everything in your mouth!

You love taking baths!

You cry when we put you down, because you love to see what's going on around you!

You have gone to sleep on your own the past two nights and sleep about 12 hours, but fight naps during the day (you take naps in the car a lit because its the only place you won't cry).

You have the prettiest, happiest smile.

52:18 My Little Roller

So Gwen has been rolling for a while now, and has started to lean forward and rock back and forth in her arms! Crawling is coming soon!

Grandma is in town this week!! What's more fun than that? She's like Disneyland, and Gwen is soaking it all up. I love when she's here so much!

There's a possibility we may be moving to Dallas this fall, and I'm excited, but also very nervous. I may not have to work, but I know no one, except his brother and sister in law, and a few other randoms that I don't know very well. All my close friends are in San Antonio or RI. Not sure how I'll cope with the move, but it'll be an adventure.

I had my first night away from her on Saturday! It was Shelley's wedding, and I had a blast, but as soon as we got back to the hotel, I got a bad cold! Instantly!! I was so disappointed, but at least the ceremony and reception was a success. Plus I met a possible new friend from Dallas!

Gwen turns 7 months old tomorrow! Update later!

52:17 Meals this Week and Two Front Teeth!

Ok, so I have this goal to make great meals and be more creative right? But it's funny because Jeff is the one to cook most of the recipes. The reason is because Gwen goes to sleep around 7 while nursing, so I start feeding her at 6:30. While I'm feeding her, Jeff starts the meal. There's my secret- my husband.
I do sometimes do prep-work! Like this week I diced onion and cooked and chopped chicken!
Ok, so this week we had salmon with roasted green beans and mashed potatoes (instant). That was an easy one. On Tuesday we had garlic rosemary chicken burgers...sooo good. On Wednesday we tried chicken crescent roll casserole...amazing. Thursday was a frozen meal, and Friday was baked stuffed shrimp (my mom's recipe)! A successful week on easy, low ingredient, recipes. And they were all delicious!
In the Gwen world, she now has her two lower front teeth!! So cute, but she's been very fussy lately. Her napping is slowly getting better: she slept in her crib a few times the last couple days, but still prefers the car, where she takes 2-hour naps! (everywhere else it's 45 minutes) Trying to stay calm and not get stressed out about it!

52:16 Nonsense and such

I'm always late on my weekly blog posts, but I think it's ok because I always manage to write. Better late than never is my motto!

I don't always write because Gwen takes 45 minute naps while nursing or 2- hour naps in the car...not good for writing long, in-depth posts. But oh well...I'm not making excuses.

We just bought a beautiful Nikon d3100 SLR camera. I desperately want to teach myself how to be a great photographer! It's very difficult because there are so many factors: ISO, aperture, shutter speed, lighting, depth, movement, etc...I just bought an app to help me understand it, plus I'm dying to take a photography class, but don't see when I'll have the time.

This week for dinner we're trying chicken burgers, fish, and chicken crescent roll casserole! Stay tuned!

52:15 What is most personal, is most universal

"What is most personal, is most universal." I love this quote, because I always forget how true it really is. Everyone has similar worries, thoughts, and insecurities. We're all different, but most of us want the same things. This is comforting to me...

52:14- Gwen, you are 6 months old!!

On April 8, you turned 6 months old on Easter 2012! You are so much fun right now, because you are getting so much more responsive! Your laugh is the best sound on the planet, and we can't get enough of you!
You weigh about 20 lbs (wearing 12 month clothes!)

You can now roll over from belly to back and back to belly easily, though you prefer to keep rolling to the left.

You can sit up almost independently!

You have eaten these foods successfully: avocado, squash, sweet potato, pears, apples, and bananas.

You popped your first tooth today (4/10/12)!!!!

You reach for everything, and stick out your tongue when you want to drink it.

You are drinking sips of water.

You still sleep about 12 hours a night (except the last 2 nights you woke U in your pack-n-play in Denver, probably because your were teething).

You now prefer to sleep on your belly.
Happy Easter, beautiful girl!

Another note on creativity...

I read this online yesterday and thought how true it really is:
'There are some people in the world that are creative souls. They need -- I need -- an outlet of some sorts. Whether it's graphic design, painting or sewing -- they have the desire to pursue a creative life. Sometimes they get it in their day job-- sometimes they get it in hobbies.'
I agree with this statement. I believe there are many people in the world that need to be creative and strive for it as much as they can. I think it's important to try to create unique things, even if you have little time. Self-motivation is key.

PS: a first today; I used the potty at Olive Garden with baby in arms. Yes, I did. I had to share because I'm very proud of myself. :)
Talk about creativity, right?

52:13 Creativity-Cooking

I consider myself a creative person. I used to spend hours drawing, painting, and singing in my room when I was younger. I sometimes feel sad that I'm not as creative as I used to be. I want to be more passionate about something; I want to be driven.

I do this a lot and tend to go through phases; last year, I was trying sewing and crafty things...the year before it was baking (which I still love to do). I've also done horseback riding, reading, writing, home design, and who knows what else. I once thought I should pick one thing and do it passionately, and get exceptionally good at it. But now I've decided I'm not going to limit myself to just one creative passion. I'm going to be creative with whatever I choose. Be it arts, crafts, singing, sports, cooking, baby things (obviously that applies to everything as the backdrop). I'll just be a renaissance girl.

So I've decided I want to be more creative with my dinners. My mom is a great cook, and she enjoys doing it. She makes everything look easy. One day, I want to be able to cook something unique and delicious for my family. I want to do this for my Gwendolyn, too. To show her its important to be creative and passionate. This will be one of my passions: cooking. I'll be talking about my new hobbies on this blog, sine I'm sure we're all getting tired of hearing about Gwen's napping struggles...

So this past week, I made ham and cheese sliders (so good) one night. I made them special for Jeff, thinking he would take one bite and die right in front of me. He didn't. He took a bite, and kept chewing while watching Big Bang. Then took another bite, to which I exclaimed, "don't you love them??" Surprised and scared, the man thought up a great answer, "well, you haven't given me time to process it. I'm still tasting the food!" Hmmm...not impressed. But the sliders were amazing.
I also made rotisserie chicken, Parmesan roasted zucchini, and 'hot' potatoes. Well, with Jeff's help. And the rotisserie chicken was actually store-bought...but we made the side dishes, and they were fabulous!
Thank you, pinterest!
More to come!

52:12 Napping is a Battle

Gwendolyn, my sweet girl, why won't you nap in your crib anymore?
So she will only nap in the car or while nursing. I love to nurse her to sleep, but will she not learn to self soothe? The thing is, she self soothes at night, pretty easily, but during the day, she'll scream her little head off until I go pick her up. I don't want her to cry her life away, but I want her to sleep.

Now some might question, maybe she doesn't need to sleep. Why force it? Maybe she's not tired. I think not...I know babies need sleep, and especially this baby, who after 2 hours of being awake is visibly tired. I think my mother-in-law thinks if she's crying at nap time, maybe she's not tired. But Gwen has always cried at nap time. The difference is now she's older, and getting harder to soothe and she won't fall asleep as easy.

So what to do? Do I just keep soothing her in the car and while nursing, and Jean will come with her own routine, and when she gets older try putting her down (when we can reason with her)?That's what I'd like to do.

Or do I sleep train like the book says, and let her cry for hours in her crib? She's such a sweet girl, I don't think she deserves to cry. I guess we'll just keep up with this modified 'attachment' thing we have going. It seems to be working ok. :)

I have to remember that eventually all this will be different, and I'll never have this back.

52:11 Rolling Rolling

Gwen can now roll from her back to her belly! Yay! At 5 1/2 months, she's doing it consistently! I was a little upset she wasn't doing it because some babies roll over at 4 months, and she wasn't even close! But now she's doing it! Next is sitting up! When she's able to sit up independently, we'll install her new giant carseat in the truck. So excited! I think she's going to love it! :) (PS: it's pink! I had to do it!)

52:10 Learning to Let Go (a little)

Giving your baby to a complete stranger to take care of for the day is not a natural thing to do. I love the nanny we've found; she's professional, caring, energetic, and creative. I have no reason to not trust her...other than the fact that she's a complete stranger. We did background checks and everything, and interviews, and we were so excited we found her. But when the moment comes to drop Gwen off, I get irrational thoughts... What if something horrible happens? I'm not there, and Gwen can't tell me what happens! It's a very uneasy feeling.
Even though a few small things have happened that I'm not happy about (typical things like losing a bottle, wasted breast milk, missed naps, which I know would happen anywhere!), they are not big deals. I need to keep in mind all the good things that happen too (Gwen is always clean and happy when I pick her up, and she usually has a craft made by Gwen!). Also, the nanny always aeems to be honest and tells me everything that happened during the day. And I need to learn to let go a bit and trust in our decision. Being a first time mom, it's hard to do that. I know I also need to protect her and advocate for her, but I need to do it calmly (without making myself a wreck). It'll be better for me and better for Gwen.

52:9 Gwen, Happy 5 months, sweet girl!

Yesterday, March 8, 2012 was your 5 month birthday. You are so adorable and we love you too much!
You are 19 lbs and 25 inches long (big for your age)
You are able to roll from your belly to back easily!
You can roll from your back to your side (especially when your hungry!)
You smile at us and you are very happy.
You seem to recognize your name.
You now can rub your eyes when you're tired, and hold your bottle.
You are getting very good at grabbing and pulling things that are within your reach.
You are getting good at handling things and passing them from hand to hand.
Sometimes when you smile while someone is holding you, you bury your adorable face into their shoulder.
You want to take a bite of anything and everything.
You've started to cry during bath time.
You sleep from 7:00pm to 7:00am.
You are getting better at taking naps, sometimes taking a longer nap.
You don't like getting in your carseat very much.
You like to be held and rocked to sleep for nap time in the bathroom with the vent on while we hum lullabies.
Music and singing helps calm you now.

52:8 Cry it Out???

So I just tried the cry-it-out method with Gwen and it definitely didn't work. She sleeps so well at night, but her naps are always a struggle. It's morning, and she woke up at 6:00. I was exhausted, and I tried to put her down at 8:00, but she cried for 8 minutes and I couldn't handle it, so I went and got her and nursed her for 15 minutes so she could sleep. Then I changed my mind, and stopped nursing to see if she would sleep longer, but she just cried.

Then I tried to put her back down at 9:30, and I rocked her and held her and put her down. She immediately started crying, and I let her go for 20 minutes. There was no slowing down, so I went in and rubbed her belly for a minute and left. Then she REALLY screamed for 12 more minutes until I went in and scooped her and hugged her. Her voice was hoarse and she had tears on her cheeks, and she was taking those breaths that kids take when they've cried too hard for too long...it was awful. She was still yelling little screams when I was getting ready to breastfeed her. Now I'm feeding her, and she's asleep. I cried when I saw how sad she was. How does ANYONE do cry-it-out??

We just got back from Dallas, and I think she got used to falling asleep in the car. Normally she goes down pretty easy for her morning nap, but this was terrible. I really don't know what to do.

I think I've decided I'll never really be able to do cry-it-out. She's such a sweetheart, it's not fair to her. Ive decided to help her nap any way possible, whether it's nursing, car rides whatever. She will eventually learn how to fall asleep on her own. I'll still keep trying to get her to sleep in her crib, but without the battle.

Ps: did I mention she still sleeps at night from 7:30pm to 6:30 am? I need to remind myself that!

52:7 Breastfeeding

I love to breastfeed. It's hard at times for different reasons, but the connection to her is so awesome and the cuddling, consoling, warmth, little hand in a ball holding my shirt, little sucking motions and toes wiggling...every part is heart warming. Not to mention all the huge health benefits for her and me.

Don't get me wrong. I think bottle feeding would be great too. Formula is also very nutritious for a baby, and the convenience of bottles in public, I'm jealous of. And now that Gwen is starting to grab and pull, a nursing cover isn't doing the trick.

I guess I had no idea that it is so controversial. I mean, I once recognized that breastfeeding an older child was ridiculed; 'if your child can ask for it, then its time to stop' (said with sarcastic laughter). Not sure exactly where I heard that, but I know I've heard it more than once. But who says? Who made that rule? The people that are uncomfortable with that idea? Just because a child's language skills have developed, means breastfeeding is now a social oddity? Is it based on the maturity of the child? Seriously? I think not. If you don't know, don't speak.

I am a little worried about breastfeeding once she gets teeth. The idea of her biting me there...uh, I'm so not looking forward to it! She already bites down sometimes when she's done eating, and even with just gums, it hurts a little. A woman I know started exclusively pumping at 6 months because of her son's teeth...I guess I'll have to see how it goes...

People have asked me how long I plan to breastfeed and I've been saying 9 months to a year. Now I plan on saying 'whenever I feel like stopping'. I wonder how well that will go over. In any case, it doesn't matter what other people think or say because the benefits of breastfeeding are vast.

52:6 Baptism

2/11/12 is your Catholic birthday! I can't wait to see you in the long white dress your grandmas bought for you! Then afterwards we are celebrating you at nana and pops house! All your aunts and uncles are here, and Aunt Missy and Uncle Jason are your godparents. I'm so excited!
The day came and you slept in. You now wake up at 7 and usually go back to sleep until 10 (but then you have trouble falling asleep during the day). After you woke up, we brought you to the church and dressed you in your beautiful gown. When the deacon poured water on your head, you didn't even make a sound! I love you so much! You are forever the light of our lives!

52:5 Gwen is 4 months old

Gwen, I can't believe you're already 4 months old! Time has gone by so fast, yet I still remember the moments that seemed to go on forever. I look at you sometimes and remind myself that someday I'll miss these times so bad. Time stands still during those moments and I try to keep it that way. I love spending time with you more than anything!

At 4 months, you weigh about 17 lbs, and are in 3-6 month clothes, although you are growing out of them soon!

You still enjoy bath time!

You are getting way more responsive and smiling at mommy and daddy easily.

You are down to one tough crying spell a day, usually because you're overtired.

You now go to bed around 7:30pm and wake up around 7:00 am when mommy or daddy comes and gets you (and you give us big, gummy smiles) and I feed you and cuddle with you in our bed. Usually you fall back asleep for a few more hours. We are so lucky!

You love your toy monkey, and the bee on your carseat that mommy makes say 'I love you'. Your new favorite is Sophie the giraffe. They're your friends and you always smile at them. You also always smile when you see little Mattie.

You are 'talking' more and making raspberries!

You're starting to tolerate tummy time more, and reaching for things and learning how to bring them to your mouth.

Your morning naps are getting a little longer.

You are soo loved! We are so blessed to have you!

52:4 2nd Time in Church

We took Gwen to church for the second time in her life today. She first went when she was about 5 weeks old and she slept the whole time. Since I'm obsessed with her getting enough sleep, I was worried about her schedule getting messed up and her being awake and then screaming as we rushed out...
She slept on the way and woke up as we walked in. Uh oh, this won't be good, I thought. Jeff and I discussed the game plan: we could leave early and get breakfast, or wait through mass and then go straight home so she could sleep. She already was low on sleep for the day since she didn't take her long morning map. We took her out of her carseat and she looked around. After about 45 minutes, she fell into a deep sleep in my arms during the song Here I Am Lord. She was so precious. I prayed as I held her and thought how blessed we really are.

I think a lot about how there is so much sadness in the world, and things happening to the people around us. I prayed for all of them today. I know there must be heaven because I have an angel here in my arms right now, and I pray God keeps her safe and protects her from sadness, like He has for me.

52:3- Healthy Sleep habits, Happy...Mommy!

Gwen has been a good night sleeper since the beginning; at 6 weeks, she was sleeping 6 to 9 hours straight at night. She's now sleeping a solid 10 hours every night. Of course at 13 weeks, she had several nights where she woke at 3am, but I nursed her and she fell right back asleep. I decided it was a growth spurt.

The ultimate sleep book that I've been using as my bible is Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. Recommended to me by a friend, it's been such a great reference. It's broken down into chapters for different age ranges; when Gwen was a few weeks old, it warned me about the 6 week mark, when babies cry more, but then relief comes as they gradually become less fussy. Then at 13 weeks, when she was waking up in the middle of the night, it said the solution was to put her to bed earlier, as many babies are overtired, and need to be put to sleep earlier to help catch up on their sleep. An overtired body is biologically built to stay awake; thats why tired children sometimes seem wired; they cant settle down. Sleep begets sleep. The book also says to wait 4 days with any change in sleep schedule to see if it works.

Well we tried it and It worked. We started putting her down at 7:30 instead of 8:30, and after four nights, she was sleeping longer at night. We also saw an improvement in her napping; her afternoon nap has been getting longer. She usually takes three 45 minute naps per day. Her afternoon nap was 1.5 hours yesterday. It was amazing to see it work!

It is still a battle getting her to fall asleep. No matter how much shooshing and patting and rocking we do, she continues to cry herself to sleep during the daytime! She's done this ever since she was a tiny babe, it's like she has to get over the 'hump' before she can fall asleep. I'm waiting for the day when she will peacefully fall asleep...when does that start happening? 6 months? A year?

...maybe I should reference my sleep book...

Project 52:2- A Quest For Mommys

So I decided I need to branch out and connect with some moms of babies that are Gwen's age. I have my friends here that have babies, by they're all a bit older than her, and I want her to have some playmates her age one day. Plus, it's so easy to talk about babies at this point, and sharing the challenges and joys with someone going through the same thing I think would be a great thing.

So I called a co-worker I used to work with, who I hadn't spoken to in a year or so, because her son was born a month before Gwen. We had a great talk, and I convinced her to join Stroller Strides, starting in Feb (another mom connecting thing). I think Ashley will be a great friend and I feel so great knowing our kids may be friends one day.

I met up with another co-worker of mine who had her son a few days before Gwen-she's super sweet and her son is super cute! We went to Starbux, and it was a little stimulating for Gwen, but we managed to have a great conversation before she started fussing.

I'm enjoying being a mom so much, and feel like its been an eye-opening experience in terms of sharing this experience with so many other women. I have another friend having a baby next month, and I can't wait to meet him!

Now if I could just get her some girl playmates! Stroller Strides, here we come!

52:1 Gwendolyn Mary's Birth Story

A little late, I know, but here it is:

Waiting
At almost 42 weeks pregnant, I was ready to explode. We couldn’t wait to meet our little girl, and I had been preparing for her arriving since 38 weeks. I was ready. So ready. My parents were in from RI, the nursery was complete, and everything was set. The only things we didn’t have were wipes and a wipe warmer. My feet and legs were swollen, and I was having false labor everyday on my way home from work, and everyday I would think this was it.
People kept seeing me at work and surprisingly would ask, “when are you going to have that baby!?” It was exhausting and emotionally and physically and I was ready to be done being pregnant. Every night I’d hope it was the night; I was convinced that I would go into labor in the middle of the night, but nothing was happening, so every morning I’d wake up disappointed.
At our 39 week appointment (my midwives had a due date of Oct 4th, I had an estimated date of Sept 29th, and I was SURE she’d be born in September), the midwife said we would probably start doing tests (non-stress test, etc) at the next appointment. Sadly, we went home and waited and waited.
Another week went by, and at our 40 week appointment on a Thursday, (41 weeks according to me), I talked to the midwife about a possible induction. We scheduled it for the following Tuesday at 5:00. I also asked her if it would be possible for her to do a membrane sweep (which I believe ultimately started labor). She said that a sweep was part of the exam that day. I laid down and waited…the exam and sweep were not comfortable! But I loved hearing that I was 1cm dilated, and 70% effaced. She said if the sweep was successful, I could go into labor within the next 24-48 hours.

Here she comes!
Friday I went to work (I had taken a half day on Wednesday and a full day on Thursday due to exhaustion), and I believe I lost my mucous plug. I got excited. I came home feeling nothing unusual, still having false contractions and taking a nap after work. Jeff got home and we went to sleep around 9:00.
I got up to use the bathroom at 11:14 pm. After I was done, I felt more come out that I wasn’t expected. I waited…shocked. The even more came out. Feeling nervous and excited, I went into the bedroom and said, “Jeff…? I think my water is breaking.” His response, “Hmm?...pause…”WHAAT?” as he jumped up in bed, the covers flying. I laid down to try to rest some, and then a huge gush came. We both ran into the bathroom, and tried to remember what to do next. Jeff went and got my mom up and then we called our midwife. A mild contraction hit that felt like a strong menstrual cramp. The midwife said to come in when I “couldn’t stand it anymore” or at 8:00 am (since my water broke first, they needed me to come in by that time).

Laboring
We were planning a natural childbirth, taken the Bradley method classes, and going to the midwives and preparing ourselves as much as we could, so we labored at home for as long as possible. We rested in bed for a few hours, and then decided we couldn’t sleep so we got our bags packed. Jeff and I watched some TV and then I took a shower (the shower felt great). The contractions got stronger gradually, and by 4:30, I was having to breathe through them. The only things that were helping were to have a trash can in front of me, because I felt nauseous during every contraction, and to have someone rub my lower back with a vibrating massager we had bought. The contractions would start in my lower abdomen as a menstrual cramp, and then grow up and around to my lower back. The pain was achy and intense. By 5:00, I wanted to go to the hospital, and I was doubting I would be able to do this naturally. I would cry every once in a while because I was scared of the pain that was coming; that anticipation was the worst. If these contractions were bad like this now, how would they feel when I was 8 or 9 cm dilated?
We left for the hospital. Jeff driving, with me and my mom in the back seat, and my dad following us in the mini-van. It was hard in the car, but the drive went fast somehow. I had about 4 contractions on our way there, and my mom would rub my back as I got on my hands and knees with my face in the trash can. When we got to the hospital, Jeff’s parents were already there. We went up and checked in, and they explained to me (during 2 contractions) that I would need to come back into triage alone. I panicked and started crying and screaming during a contraction, “what if I have another contraction??!!” The nurse opened the door, looked at me, and turned around to ask someone something. When she came back, she said my mom could come with me. Thank goodness! During triage, I had 3 contractions, and having my mom there was the best thing for me. I was in a routine, and if she wasn’t there, things would have been bad.
I arrived around 7:00 am, when the midwives were switching shifts. Lauren was there at first, helping through contractions, and then we found out that Jan would be taking over at 7:00 (the only midwife who was part-time, and the ONLY one who I didn’t like very much since she had talked to me about my weight gain during pregnancy, and who also seemed condescending to me). She came in and I was weary. Jan turned out the be the best midwife for me. She was a strength in the room and a presence that was so calming. Every question or doubt I had, she validated and she did it well. I wouldn’t have wanted any other midwife there during my labor.
She checked me and I was 4 cm and 100% effaced. We were all so excited I had made it that far, and thought labor would be fast. Jan explained that the baby was turned slightly, and was not in a great position.
They started to put my hep-lock in, and I kept having to get on my hands and knees during every contraction. The girl tried 3 times on one side! Jan was so mad she had to leave. It was taking forever, and since I was talking about an epidural, I needed to get one in. Although it hurt a lot when she was poking me, it didn’t compare to the contractions I was having every 3 minutes. My nurse, Jennifer, then tried on my other hand and placed it in perfectly. I loved her from then on.
Then the decision to get the epidural was on my mind. The contractions I was having scared me so much, and I felt like I was barely getting through them. I cried because I had really wanted a natural childbirth and done everything to prepare myself, and felt like if I got an epidural, it would all be for nothing. Jan and my mom said no, that was not true, the preparation was helping me up until this point, no, it would not stall labor, and it would not increase the chance of a c-section. No one would judge me for this. So I asked for the anesthesiologist to hurry. Jan hurried out of the room to get him.
At about 9:30 (after about 10 hours of natural labor) the anesthesiologist came. He was a very weird man who said things like “Simon didn’t say to move that wire. Did Simon say that?” and “well, I can give you this medicine, or you can be in pain. Which would you like?” I didn’t like him very much from the start, but I didn't care. I was scared for the epidural, and it took him longer than expected to get set-up. Jeff sat and watched, and Jan held me close to her. I was not to move while he placed the wire. I managed to get the epidural and not have a contraction the entire time. I laid down and felt a heaviness in my stomach, and thought something was wrong. It was a contraction. Jan checked me again, and I was 5 cm and 100% effaced. I had made it halfway on my own naturally. I felt like I had done the best I could, although I still felt disappointed in myself. Jan, my mom, Jean and Jeff all kept telling me how great I had done, and they were all so happy I had gotten the epidural. We didn’t have replacement batteries for the vibrating massager anyway, so crisis averted.

Resting, waiting, and chatting
After I had the epidural, things got so much easier. My mom, Jeff and my mother-in-law were in the room, and my dad and Jeff’s dad would come visit every once in a while (there were only 3 other people allowed in the room). I got up to 7 cm around 2:00 pm.
At 3:00, they started antibiotics to help keep infection away since my water had broken first. They kept having me change positions from one side to another side, to sitting up, and laying down with one leg up. Jan came in and explained that I wasn’t progressing, and they would have to start oxytocin. I immediately regretted getting the epidural, blaming myself for it, saying it was the reason labor was stalling. Jan said no. The baby was in a bad position, and that was why things were not progressing. I was still at 7cm, and so we started the pitocin.
A little while later, they discovered I had developed an infection called Corio. Around 5:00, Jan decided to start measuring the strength of my contractions, by inserting an internal monitor. After 3 tries, she got it in place. They slowly increased the pitocin, but still nothing was happening. I could feel the pressure in that area, and thought I was getting close. Jan checked, but still no progress. She talked to the OB on call, and they decided we should go for the c-section, since I hadn’t progressed and since I had developed the infection.
I had started to get a little loopy around the time the infection started. I remember feeling exhausted and saying “ok” to the c-section, although it was something I feared immensely. The fever was contributing to my loopiness, and the anesthesiologist gave me some medicine before the surgery, that made me feel even more drowsy and relaxed.
I was wheeled in to the OR, and Jeff got dressed outside. It seemed to take forever for them to get me prepped, and I hated being transferred from one bed to the next. Finally, Jeff was beside me. I felt calmer than expected, and thought it was because of the fever (but really the anesthesiologist had given me anti-anxiety meds). I asked Jeff to talk to me through the procedure, and he was so sweet, talking about the things we would do with her when she came; having Christmas, going to the beach, etc. I felt some tugging and pressure, but it was not painful at all. Looking back, the c-section was not at all as bad as I thought it would be. They told Jeff to look when they pulled her out, and he peeked over the curtain in front of my face. When they pulled out my little girl, everyone kept saying “that’s a big baby!” It was the first I heard that I might have a large baby. She came out with black hair, they cleaned her, weighed her, (9 lbs, 11 oz!) and showed her to me again. It was a feeling I’ll never forget- such amazement and love. She was the most beautiful baby I’ve ever seen.
It’s been a few weeks now, and I’ve gone through the stages; the wonderful feelings the first few days after birth are like walking on a cloud. When I got home I started to feel overwhelmed and sad. It was all hormones. Now that it’s passed, I feel good and so happy she’s here. She’s still the most beautiful baby, and can’t wait to share her life experiences. It’s an amazing feeling to know we made such a miracle, and our lives have been changed forever.