After reading the styleberry blog, and constantly thinking about my new baby girl Gwen, I'm inspired to write a blog. Well, more like an online journal, since I don't have time to sit down and write (most of my phone calls/writing/work is done over her head while breastfeeding).
It's important to me to document all my thoughts and concerns and fears. I want to be able to look back and remember everything about this special time. People sometimes look at her and say, "I miss when mine was that little," and I can see why. Among the hard, stressful, difficult times, is an underlying, constant feeling of happiness, pride, and a love that is indescribable. This little girl has stolen our hearts. Plus, she's amazingly portable, and her needs are pretty easy to meet right now.
I'm sitting in the backseat of the truck as I write this, with Gwen beside me sleeping peacefully, and Jeff pulling into Target. It's christmas time and it's not a good time to shop, but I hate spending the whole day at the house, and Jeff knows that so he's suggested Target.
So I already typed up my birth story, and I'll try to upload it here, too. But I'll go back in time for now: a summary of Gwen's first 2 months alive.
The first week after birth, I was floating on a cloud, and Gwen was a quiet angel who we woke up every 2 hours to feed. I wanted to exclusively breastfeed, but we had to supplement with formula since she had low blood sugar for being such a big baby (9 pounds, 11 oz!). We had one nurse who gave us trouble and tried to feed her directly from a syringe ("I've got 12 years experience."). I took care of that and we mentioned her in the hospital review. Along with the bad, I do also have to mention the good; our nurse Jennifer, who was amazing during labor, put in my IV correctly and even stayed after her shift to visit me after the c-section (she said there were computer problems, so that's why she stayed, but I think she was just a caring person). We loved her. I felt like I had been very well taken care of at St Luke's.
Anyway, after the first week, Gwen started to find her voice. She started inconsolably crying until 12 or one in the morning. Jeff and I were frantic and exhausted. I feared the "colic" word, but I think she had it, and still cries more than the average baby. But when I look back, it doesn't seem like it was so bad, and I still feel lucky since she slept so good through the night. She wasn't the worst colicky baby.
At first, we were supplementing with formula by syringe; Jeff would hold the syringe in her mouth while she breastfed. At her 1 week appointment, the pediatrician said she was gaining enough weight and we could stop supplementing. I was scared to stop, but we did and she continued to gain weight. She's now 9 weeks and weighs 15 pounds! She's my big, healthy, gorgeous little chunk of heaven.
While I was in those first weeks, I cried a lot and read so many books. I had the 'baby blues' and cried pretty often about how things would be in the future. I was scared to get her into bad habits, like sleeping in the swing, or getting used to getting soothed, or being fed to sleep. I realized around 5 weeks that she would change every day and couldn't yet be forming habits or get spoiled in any way. She was too young.
At around 3 weeks, I found the books the Baby Whisperer and The Happiest Baby on the Block. They both helped so much with the idea of routine (eat, activity, sleep) and how to soothe (the 5 S's: swaddle, side, swing, shh, suck). I kept her routine flexible, though, and I try not to be rigid. I think about how she changes so often, and I know anything I do, she'll do what she does. I can't influence her that much yet. Although we do try to put her to sleep when she's drowsy and not fully asleep. I kept reading that 6 weeks was a turning point for sleeping and crying, and couldn't wait for that day.
Well, 6 weeks came, and Gwen gradually got less fussy. Her worst time was the evening, when she would cry from 5:00 until 11 or 12. Around 6 or 7 weeks, she started to get a little easier. Also, she never spit up, not until about 8 weeks. Now she spits up after every feeding, but I've read that's normal.
My mom came to visit at about 8 weeks old, because I cried and begged her to come. I sometimes have this dark feeling when I'm home alone with her; it's like my heart feels heavy and I feel so alone. I always get on the verge of tears or cry when I think of my family too. It makes me so sad thinking how we're all so far away, yet we love each other so much. Some families are apart because they don't get along. Like the in-laws and the new daughter in-law don't like each other. Not us. We're all in separate states (Mike in CO, Missy in FL, me in TX, mom and dad in RI). I hate being alone here so much. Its pretty much the #1 thing I cry about. I want us to be together and all the nieces and nephews to grow up hanging out. I sometimes wish I had never left RI, but then I think about my husband and how lucky I am to have him and what a great life we have set up for ourselves. Besides my family being so divided, I do have a great life here.
Back to where I left off, my mom came at 8 weeks old, and we had so much fun. My mom has this special way with babies and children, and I was so happy Gwen got to hear her sing songy voice and see her smile. We talked a lot about Gwen's sleeping and eating and playing schedule, and my mom said once, "she does cry a lot". It confused me because Gwen cried way more a few weeks earlier; I felt like she is so much better. In any case, I'm hoping Gwen was my "colicky" baby now, but not sure she is because she was bad, but she didn't cry all day and night; just nonstop in the evenings.
Now we're at 9 weeks old, and the worrying doesn't end. She woke up last night at 3am and I'm worried she'll never sleep through the night. I'm going back to work in a few days and I'm worried about how much to give her in a bottle, how she'll do without me, and hoping she'll sleep, and do well with my mother-in-law. I don't want her over fed, and I want her to get enough sleep, and I want her to fall asleep on her own. Those are my biggest requests for when I leave her. But the bottle thing will just have to be figured out over time. I have to stay calm and trust. I know Jean will take amazing care of her. Probably better than I am right now. She's such a wonderful person. It's not her, it's just the idea of leaving Gwen and trying to let go of her a little. This is going to be very hard.
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