Gwens 1st Christmas

Gwen is 11 weeks old now and we're in RI for Christmas. She's about 14 lbs and is crying less overall, except for the evening, when she still cries for no apparent reason, but it's down to about 45 minutes total and it's not nonstop. I'm wondering if she's teething early (she's almost 3 months and they're not supposed to teeth until 4-5 months).

She did so well on the flight over here. I fed her on both ascents and descent, and she slept most of the time. Somehow, we got very lucky, and ended up with all 3 seats for both flights, so we were able to spread out. I think someone was helping us out (thanks, papa and grandpa!). I've been seeing a lot of triple digits whenever I look at the time and, because of my mom, it always makes me think of my grandpas. It's like a little wink from above.

Christmas was so fun with everyone here! Sam and Abi were so excited about every gift. They loved everything. They are so fun to give gifts to, and they gave gifts this year, too! We slept at Grandma's house and came over in the morning.

Now we're in MA in a hotel visiting Grandma Cimini. We visited with Tam and Meredith this morning. It's been an awesome visit and wish Gwen was a little older so she could remember this. It's going to get harder and harder to get us all in one place as our families get bigger...I won't think about that now because it'll just upset me during this great holiday trip (I'll think about it tomorrow).

Sleeps with a fist

Gwen laughed for the first time today. We were in a shop with Mehren and Hailey, and she giggled several times before Mehren and I realized we had video capabilities on our phones. We managed to get a few giggles recorded, but they were much less enthusiastic than the ones a few seconds before.

One of my favorite things is the video monitor we have that lets us look at her while she sleeps (or while she cries). I love when she gets her hands out of her swaddle, and stretches them as high as they can go, barely reaching past the top of her head. (When does it happen that your arms get so long?) and then passes out with her tiny hands in little balls. They remind me of puppy paws- some of the cutest things on earth. :)

Gwen's first plane ride!

Jeff graduated from Texas Tech University with his MBA on Friday and it was time for our first plane ride with Gwen. Our flight was at 11:20 on Friday morning, flying out of Austin, TX. We woke up at 5:45am, and packed nervously and excitedly. It was that exciting, anxious feeling you get when you do something for the first time. We knew things would be ok no matter what, but our anxiety came from the unknown- would she cry on the plane? Would we forget something important at home? How would she do in a new place?

Jeff dropped Mattie (our cutie dog) off at the pet hotel and I packed things up. We got to the airport, and I nursed her in a corner on the floor, where no one could see me (there were no seats around anyway) while Jeff parked the car and checked our bags. Most people all around were so nice- a man came over to offer me a seat while I fed her, and another older man saw us later and told us, "get ready to experience great joy". He told Jeff, "it's a baby girl?....hold on, dad. She's going to make you crazy, and introduce you to worlds you never even knew existed." I was touched. He even came back later and told me, with a stern face, "now if she cries, don't you worry about a thing. Everyone understands." He reminded me of my papa...very caring and sweet.

We got through security just fine, although getting everything unpacked and on the beltway through the machine was a challenge. We got to the gate, and Jeff went to get tags for the carrier and stroller while I went and sat down. After quite a while, Jeff came back exasperated. Apparently, we were supposed to bring her birth certificate, and the lady at the desk couldn't believe they let us through security. No one told us! It doesn't say to bring it online! It turned out to be fine, and they just added her to the flight under my name.

She fed on the plane, the entire 1 hour flight. Easy. No problems, and people commented as they walked by "what a good baby!" We got to Lubbock, and I sat and waited while he got the rental car..."I can't believe we didn't forget anything," I was thinking, until I realized... we forgot the car seat base! How are we going to get her to the hotel? We'll never get her home! OH NO! We are stuck in the airport forever! Then I remembered. With my nephew, there was a way you could hook the car seat in the car without the base. Jeff came back and I told him, and he panicked until I explained. It turned out the car seat had directions on the side on how to install it without a base. Whew...crisis averted. It's all trial and error with this baby!

One thing we noticed while in the airport is that people stare at babies. I do it too. Your eyes just go to babies. Especially in church and at an airport. While I was sitting and waiting for Jeff to get the car, I noticed about 75% of people that walked by, looked at me and the baby. It's something I'm going to have to get used to. I responded to their looks with smiles...some didn't even look at me, but just glanced at the baby. It was almost like they were checking the cuteness..."ok, she's cute, I can continue on now". Jeff said she noticed it too, that people all want to look in the car seat when he's carrying it. He said one time a lady looked in when it was empty and almost made a disappointed face as she walked away. Everyone loves babies.

We went to graduation, and Gwen was amazing. Jean and Pete and I left after Jeff walked across the stage, and I fed her in the hotel room. Jeff came back, and we tried to put her down...4 times! She would fall asleep in our arms, and we would put her down, (in a deep sleep!) then she would wake up 5 minutes later crying hard. It was so frustrating, Jeff and I were yelling at each other in whispers. She did this a few days earlier, too. We don't know why. We tried to let her cry for a few minutes, but she would just escalate. Finally, at 12:30, we put her down asleep, and she woke up, but then put herself back to sleep. I think she was upset being in a different place maybe. It was not fun.

Next weekend, we go to RI for Christmas. Its a much longer flight (5 hours in the air) and a longer trip (1 week in RI). I'm pretty worried that she will have the same trouble falling asleep in their house, and I'm worried it'll mess with her sleeping routines, but it'll be ok. My parents will be there, and that helps calm my nerves.

Merry 1st Christmas, my sweet Gwen!

Shots today!

Gwen had her 2 month shots today and did very well. We laid her down on the table, and she proceeded to poo all over the place; the biggest, watery-est, blow out poo shes ever had. All over the table. I was laughing hysterically, and Jeff was holding back. The pa didn't have much humor about it... I guess she's seen it all.

After we cleaned up the mess, we weighed her and measured her. She is 14 lbs, 14 oz, and in the 97th percentile, which we expected. The doctor we had was abrupt and serious, but nice enough. I had lots of questions, and asked about how her crying doesn't seem to be decreasing much, and he brought up her outie belly button. He said if she's crying hard and it's sticking out, try pushing it in. In my head I'm laughing-so basically her outie is an on/off switch for crying? I don't think so! He meant that sometimes she might have a temporary hernia, but then tried to calm me since it scared me. He didn't have great answers to my questions, but it was fine. I've been reading so much lately, I pretty much already know the answers.

Back to work tomorrow for my second day. I won't be coming home to feed her at all, do it'll be a long day, but Tuesday went by quickly, so I'm hoping tomorrow goes quick also.

What if? (uncertainty)

So today was my first day back at work and things went ok. She's been a bit fussy, but she survived her first day 'without me'.

So last night, she kept waking up every time we put her down. I was frustrated, and Jeff was up working, so he told me to go to sleep. He ended up staying up with her until 1 am and put her in her swing all night swinging.

This morning we woke up, and he told me she slept in her swing. I tried to hide my frustration, because I knew he did the best he could, but then he told me he was taking the day off because he was exhausted. I was upset. I needed Jeff to help me get out the door this morning! It wasn't what I expected, and I was nervous she slept in her swing. Not what I wanted because I'm constantly afraid she's going to get into a bad habit...what if she ALWAYS has to sleep in her swing? What if she always needs to be rocked to sleep? What if she never falls asleep on her own? I worry about these things all the time and it stresses me out when she has trouble because I start thinking the worst.

I talked to my mom, and some women at work, and basically I've been told you can always retrain her and fix any mistakes. A good quote is from Raising Helen, when the teenage girl yells at her pregnant aunt, "you ruined my life!" and her aunt responds, "well, we'll fix it later!" I have to remember Gwen is too young to be forming bad habits, and if she does, it won't be forever. Everything is right now. The good along with the bad.

Anyway, my first day back at work was very busy, and getting used to pumping was difficult, but the day went well and fast. Jeff and his mom stayed home with Gwen and fed her one bottle and she did ok until her afternoon bottle, when she didn't want to take it. I had a long break, so I came home and nursed her. She was happy, and I managed to make it home early to feed her again. The only problem is I told them to "hold her off" until I got home, and Jeff took it too literal. Jean said she cried for 40 minutes. That's way too long. I told Jean to trust her judgment next time.

Baked cotton balls...

Sometimes my favorite things make me think of a combination of the best little things in the world. For example, my engagement ring, when I would look at it, would sometimes remind me of vanilla ice cream, raspberries and orchids. Sweet and simple and beautiful. Weird, yes. But I can't control it.

My daughter's smell. It's the best smell on the planet and I've been trying to devise an equivalent...I've decided she smells like cotton balls, lightly dusted with sugar that have been baked or warmed in the dryer. Her breath smells like this too, but add warm milk to the mix. Warm, clean, sweet, and it gives me a cozy feeling every time. You can sometimes find me taking big whiffs of her breath...I'm trying to get that smell ingrained in my brain forever.

Another weird thing: when she touches me with her little hand, or scratches me gently on the chest while she breastfeeds, I get tingles up my spine. It's like a fuzzy, tickley feeling that goes to my head and makes me drowsy and so happy. It's a weird thing, but I had to write it down so I do not forget it!

Love love love her. She laughed today for the first time. Smiled and made a little giggle sound at me making silly faces at her. I died.

A decision to 'journal'

After reading the styleberry blog, and constantly thinking about my new baby girl Gwen, I'm inspired to write a blog. Well, more like an online journal, since I don't have time to sit down and write (most of my phone calls/writing/work is done over her head while breastfeeding).

It's important to me to document all my thoughts and concerns and fears. I want to be able to look back and remember everything about this special time. People sometimes look at her and say, "I miss when mine was that little," and I can see why. Among the hard, stressful, difficult times, is an underlying, constant feeling of happiness, pride, and a love that is indescribable. This little girl has stolen our hearts. Plus, she's amazingly portable, and her needs are pretty easy to meet right now.

I'm sitting in the backseat of the truck as I write this, with Gwen beside me sleeping peacefully, and Jeff pulling into Target. It's christmas time and it's not a good time to shop, but I hate spending the whole day at the house, and Jeff knows that so he's suggested Target.

So I already typed up my birth story, and I'll try to upload it here, too. But I'll go back in time for now: a summary of Gwen's first 2 months alive.

The first week after birth, I was floating on a cloud, and Gwen was a quiet angel who we woke up every 2 hours to feed. I wanted to exclusively breastfeed, but we had to supplement with formula since she had low blood sugar for being such a big baby (9 pounds, 11 oz!). We had one nurse who gave us trouble and tried to feed her directly from a syringe ("I've got 12 years experience."). I took care of that and we mentioned her in the hospital review. Along with the bad, I do also have to mention the good; our nurse Jennifer, who was amazing during labor, put in my IV correctly and even stayed after her shift to visit me after the c-section (she said there were computer problems, so that's why she stayed, but I think she was just a caring person). We loved her. I felt like I had been very well taken care of at St Luke's.

Anyway, after the first week, Gwen started to find her voice. She started inconsolably crying until 12 or one in the morning. Jeff and I were frantic and exhausted. I feared the "colic" word, but I think she had it, and still cries more than the average baby. But when I look back, it doesn't seem like it was so bad, and I still feel lucky since she slept so good through the night. She wasn't the worst colicky baby.

At first, we were supplementing with formula by syringe; Jeff would hold the syringe in her mouth while she breastfed. At her 1 week appointment, the pediatrician said she was gaining enough weight and we could stop supplementing. I was scared to stop, but we did and she continued to gain weight. She's now 9 weeks and weighs 15 pounds! She's my big, healthy, gorgeous little chunk of heaven.

While I was in those first weeks, I cried a lot and read so many books. I had the 'baby blues' and cried pretty often about how things would be in the future. I was scared to get her into bad habits, like sleeping in the swing, or getting used to getting soothed, or being fed to sleep. I realized around 5 weeks that she would change every day and couldn't yet be forming habits or get spoiled in any way. She was too young.

At around 3 weeks, I found the books the Baby Whisperer and The Happiest Baby on the Block. They both helped so much with the idea of routine (eat, activity, sleep) and how to soothe (the 5 S's: swaddle, side, swing, shh, suck). I kept her routine flexible, though, and I try not to be rigid. I think about how she changes so often, and I know anything I do, she'll do what she does. I can't influence her that much yet. Although we do try to put her to sleep when she's drowsy and not fully asleep. I kept reading that 6 weeks was a turning point for sleeping and crying, and couldn't wait for that day.

Well, 6 weeks came, and Gwen gradually got less fussy. Her worst time was the evening, when she would cry from 5:00 until 11 or 12. Around 6 or 7 weeks, she started to get a little easier. Also, she never spit up, not until about 8 weeks. Now she spits up after every feeding, but I've read that's normal.

My mom came to visit at about 8 weeks old, because I cried and begged her to come. I sometimes have this dark feeling when I'm home alone with her; it's like my heart feels heavy and I feel so alone. I always get on the verge of tears or cry when I think of my family too. It makes me so sad thinking how we're all so far away, yet we love each other so much. Some families are apart because they don't get along. Like the in-laws and the new daughter in-law don't like each other. Not us. We're all in separate states (Mike in CO, Missy in FL, me in TX, mom and dad in RI). I hate being alone here so much. Its pretty much the #1 thing I cry about. I want us to be together and all the nieces and nephews to grow up hanging out. I sometimes wish I had never left RI, but then I think about my husband and how lucky I am to have him and what a great life we have set up for ourselves. Besides my family being so divided, I do have a great life here.

Back to where I left off, my mom came at 8 weeks old, and we had so much fun. My mom has this special way with babies and children, and I was so happy Gwen got to hear her sing songy voice and see her smile. We talked a lot about Gwen's sleeping and eating and playing schedule, and my mom said once, "she does cry a lot". It confused me because Gwen cried way more a few weeks earlier; I felt like she is so much better. In any case, I'm hoping Gwen was my "colicky" baby now, but not sure she is because she was bad, but she didn't cry all day and night; just nonstop in the evenings.

Now we're at 9 weeks old, and the worrying doesn't end. She woke up last night at 3am and I'm worried she'll never sleep through the night. I'm going back to work in a few days and I'm worried about how much to give her in a bottle, how she'll do without me, and hoping she'll sleep, and do well with my mother-in-law. I don't want her over fed, and I want her to get enough sleep, and I want her to fall asleep on her own. Those are my biggest requests for when I leave her. But the bottle thing will just have to be figured out over time. I have to stay calm and trust. I know Jean will take amazing care of her. Probably better than I am right now. She's such a wonderful person. It's not her, it's just the idea of leaving Gwen and trying to let go of her a little. This is going to be very hard.