52:12 Napping is a Battle

Gwendolyn, my sweet girl, why won't you nap in your crib anymore?
So she will only nap in the car or while nursing. I love to nurse her to sleep, but will she not learn to self soothe? The thing is, she self soothes at night, pretty easily, but during the day, she'll scream her little head off until I go pick her up. I don't want her to cry her life away, but I want her to sleep.

Now some might question, maybe she doesn't need to sleep. Why force it? Maybe she's not tired. I think not...I know babies need sleep, and especially this baby, who after 2 hours of being awake is visibly tired. I think my mother-in-law thinks if she's crying at nap time, maybe she's not tired. But Gwen has always cried at nap time. The difference is now she's older, and getting harder to soothe and she won't fall asleep as easy.

So what to do? Do I just keep soothing her in the car and while nursing, and Jean will come with her own routine, and when she gets older try putting her down (when we can reason with her)?That's what I'd like to do.

Or do I sleep train like the book says, and let her cry for hours in her crib? She's such a sweet girl, I don't think she deserves to cry. I guess we'll just keep up with this modified 'attachment' thing we have going. It seems to be working ok. :)

I have to remember that eventually all this will be different, and I'll never have this back.

52:11 Rolling Rolling

Gwen can now roll from her back to her belly! Yay! At 5 1/2 months, she's doing it consistently! I was a little upset she wasn't doing it because some babies roll over at 4 months, and she wasn't even close! But now she's doing it! Next is sitting up! When she's able to sit up independently, we'll install her new giant carseat in the truck. So excited! I think she's going to love it! :) (PS: it's pink! I had to do it!)

52:10 Learning to Let Go (a little)

Giving your baby to a complete stranger to take care of for the day is not a natural thing to do. I love the nanny we've found; she's professional, caring, energetic, and creative. I have no reason to not trust her...other than the fact that she's a complete stranger. We did background checks and everything, and interviews, and we were so excited we found her. But when the moment comes to drop Gwen off, I get irrational thoughts... What if something horrible happens? I'm not there, and Gwen can't tell me what happens! It's a very uneasy feeling.
Even though a few small things have happened that I'm not happy about (typical things like losing a bottle, wasted breast milk, missed naps, which I know would happen anywhere!), they are not big deals. I need to keep in mind all the good things that happen too (Gwen is always clean and happy when I pick her up, and she usually has a craft made by Gwen!). Also, the nanny always aeems to be honest and tells me everything that happened during the day. And I need to learn to let go a bit and trust in our decision. Being a first time mom, it's hard to do that. I know I also need to protect her and advocate for her, but I need to do it calmly (without making myself a wreck). It'll be better for me and better for Gwen.

52:9 Gwen, Happy 5 months, sweet girl!

Yesterday, March 8, 2012 was your 5 month birthday. You are so adorable and we love you too much!
You are 19 lbs and 25 inches long (big for your age)
You are able to roll from your belly to back easily!
You can roll from your back to your side (especially when your hungry!)
You smile at us and you are very happy.
You seem to recognize your name.
You now can rub your eyes when you're tired, and hold your bottle.
You are getting very good at grabbing and pulling things that are within your reach.
You are getting good at handling things and passing them from hand to hand.
Sometimes when you smile while someone is holding you, you bury your adorable face into their shoulder.
You want to take a bite of anything and everything.
You've started to cry during bath time.
You sleep from 7:00pm to 7:00am.
You are getting better at taking naps, sometimes taking a longer nap.
You don't like getting in your carseat very much.
You like to be held and rocked to sleep for nap time in the bathroom with the vent on while we hum lullabies.
Music and singing helps calm you now.

52:8 Cry it Out???

So I just tried the cry-it-out method with Gwen and it definitely didn't work. She sleeps so well at night, but her naps are always a struggle. It's morning, and she woke up at 6:00. I was exhausted, and I tried to put her down at 8:00, but she cried for 8 minutes and I couldn't handle it, so I went and got her and nursed her for 15 minutes so she could sleep. Then I changed my mind, and stopped nursing to see if she would sleep longer, but she just cried.

Then I tried to put her back down at 9:30, and I rocked her and held her and put her down. She immediately started crying, and I let her go for 20 minutes. There was no slowing down, so I went in and rubbed her belly for a minute and left. Then she REALLY screamed for 12 more minutes until I went in and scooped her and hugged her. Her voice was hoarse and she had tears on her cheeks, and she was taking those breaths that kids take when they've cried too hard for too long...it was awful. She was still yelling little screams when I was getting ready to breastfeed her. Now I'm feeding her, and she's asleep. I cried when I saw how sad she was. How does ANYONE do cry-it-out??

We just got back from Dallas, and I think she got used to falling asleep in the car. Normally she goes down pretty easy for her morning nap, but this was terrible. I really don't know what to do.

I think I've decided I'll never really be able to do cry-it-out. She's such a sweetheart, it's not fair to her. Ive decided to help her nap any way possible, whether it's nursing, car rides whatever. She will eventually learn how to fall asleep on her own. I'll still keep trying to get her to sleep in her crib, but without the battle.

Ps: did I mention she still sleeps at night from 7:30pm to 6:30 am? I need to remind myself that!

52:7 Breastfeeding

I love to breastfeed. It's hard at times for different reasons, but the connection to her is so awesome and the cuddling, consoling, warmth, little hand in a ball holding my shirt, little sucking motions and toes wiggling...every part is heart warming. Not to mention all the huge health benefits for her and me.

Don't get me wrong. I think bottle feeding would be great too. Formula is also very nutritious for a baby, and the convenience of bottles in public, I'm jealous of. And now that Gwen is starting to grab and pull, a nursing cover isn't doing the trick.

I guess I had no idea that it is so controversial. I mean, I once recognized that breastfeeding an older child was ridiculed; 'if your child can ask for it, then its time to stop' (said with sarcastic laughter). Not sure exactly where I heard that, but I know I've heard it more than once. But who says? Who made that rule? The people that are uncomfortable with that idea? Just because a child's language skills have developed, means breastfeeding is now a social oddity? Is it based on the maturity of the child? Seriously? I think not. If you don't know, don't speak.

I am a little worried about breastfeeding once she gets teeth. The idea of her biting me there...uh, I'm so not looking forward to it! She already bites down sometimes when she's done eating, and even with just gums, it hurts a little. A woman I know started exclusively pumping at 6 months because of her son's teeth...I guess I'll have to see how it goes...

People have asked me how long I plan to breastfeed and I've been saying 9 months to a year. Now I plan on saying 'whenever I feel like stopping'. I wonder how well that will go over. In any case, it doesn't matter what other people think or say because the benefits of breastfeeding are vast.

52:6 Baptism

2/11/12 is your Catholic birthday! I can't wait to see you in the long white dress your grandmas bought for you! Then afterwards we are celebrating you at nana and pops house! All your aunts and uncles are here, and Aunt Missy and Uncle Jason are your godparents. I'm so excited!
The day came and you slept in. You now wake up at 7 and usually go back to sleep until 10 (but then you have trouble falling asleep during the day). After you woke up, we brought you to the church and dressed you in your beautiful gown. When the deacon poured water on your head, you didn't even make a sound! I love you so much! You are forever the light of our lives!